Shared Values

Have you ever wondered what shared values you have with a partner? Why would we care so much about them? One reason is a relationship may not work well without shared values. The old saying ‘opposites attract’ is not true with respect to what should be the values of a partner with whom we enter a relationship of trust. First off, they should be reliable and dependable in communicating with us. We must believe what they say is the truth. If not, how will we ever develop a relationship of trust? Imagine, for example, that your partner lied to you, or was deceptive, in explaining why they came home late one night. You might become suspicious about what they were doing then and at other times.

What is Trustworthiness?

Trustworthiness is a value that creates an honest relationship, an essential value in wanting to be with someone for the rest of your life. Another value is integrity, which has been called the whole of ethics in the ancient Greek philosophy of virtue. A person of integrity knows the truth and speaks the truth. They have courage and keep promises even when it may be challenging to do so. A person of integrity carries out decisions and actions in an open and honest manner, and with complete transparency. This builds trust in relationships.

We seek out partners who are understanding. They are caring and compassionate. They have empathy for the kinds of problems we have in life. We do the same for them. People who understand what others are about—their objectives and goals in life—are better equipped to enter a caring relationship: A relationship that gets stronger over time.

We expect our partners to maintain the confidentiality of information provided to them. In a strong relationship, we feel comfortable enough to tell our partners our deepest thoughts. We wouldn’t want to share a highly personal experience with someone we trust only to find out they blabbed about it to a friend or worse, on social media.

Trust is built on being a responsible person and being accountable for one’s actions. We can depend on a loved one to do what they say they will do and in a timely manner. Otherwise, we may become hesitant to entrust them with confidences we would otherwise share.

There are other perspectives on values worth discussing. In our personal lives, friendships are built on trust and one of the biggest causes of a destroyed marriage is lack of trust. Trust is essential in the workplace as well.

According to Seaport Center for Collaborative Leadership, values are deeply held beliefs that certain broad modes of behavior (e.g., honesty, kindness or loyalty) or end-states (e.g., love, equality, or peace) are essential. All relationships depend on a foundation of trust. There is a direct relationship between employee trust and performance. Customer trust is a key factor in decisions on purchases. Leaders trust employees to do what is asked of them and provide direction how to get it done.

Expressions of Trust

There are quite a few famous quotes about trust:

“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”– Ernest Hemingway

“Trust starts with truth and ends with truth.”– Santosh Kalwar

Quoting Author and Management Leader John Maxwell:

“Trust is a firm belief in the honesty, integrity, reliability of another person. Trust must be earned-one piece at a time. Trust is the result of a risk successfully survived.”

How does one behave to gain trust?

• Get involved. Ask questions. Start dialogs.
• Follow through on commitment.
• Be consistent. Do what you say you are going to do.
• Say what you mean; Mean what you say.
• Give trust. Reciprocity works.
• Be transparent.
• Look for opportunities to agree. Find commonalities.
• Admit when you are wrong. Mistakes are easy to make. Recognize them quickly and rectify them with a simple and clear apology.

How does one behave so that you never gain trust?

• Say one thing and do another.
• Not keeping confidence.
• Violate confidentiality.
• Don’t follow through on commitment.
• Be indiscrete.
• Be negative.

How do you erode trust?

• Acting superior
• Judging
• Behaving detached
• Ridiculing
• Negativity
• Shoot down ideas.
• Not listening
• Having indiscretions.

How do you regain trust?

• Admit error (in behavior)
• Trust is fragile; take small steps.
• Take great risks.
• Apologize and do it timely.
• Listen verbally and nonverbally.
• Show loyalty.
• Be sincere.
• Create and share an action plan.
• Accept responsibility.
• Follow through.

If you want to start today to build relationships of trust, my best advice is to be open and honest. Do not mislead others. Be transparent.

There is a famous quote: “It takes a long time to build a relationship of trust, but not very long to break it down.” Warren Buffet has his own thoughts on this matter: “It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it.”

Posted by Steven Mintz, aka Ethics Sage, on January 23, 2025. You can sign up for his newsletter and learn more about his activities at: https://www.stevenmintzethics.com/.